


My Monster

by fullmoon_nightowl



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Creatures & Monsters, Dark, M/M, Mild Gore, Schmoop, Valentine's Day, it's dark but it's also about love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22857637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmoon_nightowl/pseuds/fullmoon_nightowl
Summary: Jensen was worried about Jared holding back, but he finally figured out his secret. Now it’s Valentine’s Day and he’s going all in with the grand gesture to finally, completely win Jared’s heart—with a heart of his own.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 12
Kudos: 159





	My Monster

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kelleigh (girlfromcarolina)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlfromcarolina/gifts).



> Written for the Be Mine SPN/RPF Valentine's Day Comment meme on livejournal. Cleaned up and expanded with the help of ilikaicalie and masja_17 who are the loveliest betas.

Jensen had never walked up to Jared’s house so slowly. Even on their first date, he hadn’t been this nervous. But then, he hadn’t known how important Jared would be. He’d thought Jared would be fun, a distraction, a temporary boyfriend to make Jensen fit in with all the people seeking love out there. He’d thought there was no love out there for him. He’d been so wrong.

There was something about Jared that drew him in like a magnet, irresistible and incomprehensible, and for the first time in his life, Jensen had fallen in love. It was scary and exhilarating. It made him feel alive.

Jensen gripped the box in his hands tighter and walked up the rickety wooden stairs to Jared’s front porch.

This was it. The grand gesture. Go big or go home.

Well, Jensen actually would love to go home, but he wanted to go home with Jared. Make a home with him. Together. Forever.

But Jared was difficult. So open about most things, but skittish and withdrawn when it came to sharing space. And for the longest time, Jensen hadn’t been able to figure out why.

They got along great. They shared enough common interests to talk about books and go to the movies together, and they had enough separate hobbies that they never ran out of things to tell each other. The sex was amazing. Downright phenomenal. Jared was wanton and trusting, passionate and raw in a way that made Jensen feel more alive than anything else.

They both liked dogs and didn’t want kids, they wanted to travel to the same places. There was no reason why it couldn’t work.

Except that Jared got evasive every time Jensen brought up maybe moving in together. And they had been dating for almost a year now. They’d done the weekend getaway, they’d said the I-love-you’s, they’d gone on a real vacation. They’d met each other’s friends and Jensen had taken Jared as his plus one to his company’s Christmas party.

Jared was so sweet and open, carried his heart on his sleeve really, and Jensen didn’t want to pressure him, but there was something that held Jared back. Something he didn’t want to share with Jensen. And they’d already had the painful conversation about Jared’s mom dying when he was young and his grandma raising him. They’d talked about past relationships, good and bad, they’d talked about life goals. Jared had just finished the clinical year of his vet degree. And if their relationship could survive that, the long hours and the no time off, Jared having to get used to the animals he couldn’t save, well then they could survive anything. Now he was working at a big clinic, but someday, he’d love to have his own practice. Jensen worked in programming, he could find work anywhere. He’d go with Jared wherever he wanted. If Jared would only let him.

And then, two weeks ago, Jensen figured it out.

It was like everything fell into place, every piece of the puzzle. The universe had truly designed them to be together. Jensen didn’t believe in soulmates, not really, but if they were real, Jared would be his.

Jensen had wondered how to broach the subject, hadn’t been sure, but Valentine’s day was coming up and it was the perfect day for the big romantic gesture.

So here Jensen was on Jared’s porch, surrounded by pots of plants and herbs Jared grew in his free time. Red-wrapped box in his hands, trying not to sweat. This was a big deal, a big risk. Because Jensen carried his own secret. A secret he thought he’d have to keep forever, a secret that hung heavy over his love for Jared. He didn’t want to lie to him, but he couldn’t reveal his secret and risk losing him. Except now, Jensen’s secret could be the key to Jared’s happiness.

It was the last piece of himself he’d show Jared. And he hoped Jared would accept him. Sweet, kind Jared. Too sweet for this life, really. Which was why the universe had sent him Jensen. To take care of him and protect him from all the ugliness.

Jensen smoothed down his dark button-down, refrained from dragging a hand through his freshly styled hair, drew another deep breath, and rang the doorbell.

Jared lived in a slightly rundown house at the edge of town that he had inherited from his grandma. He opened the door with a wide smile and greeted Jensen with a warm kiss.

He looked good in his dark, soft sweater, his almost shoulder-length hair still a little damp at the tips and curling up around his neck. He beamed when he saw the box with the red bow Jensen was holding. “A present? For me?”

“Of course. But maybe open it inside.”

Jared’s brows shot up. “Oh, is it a kinky thing?” He laughed, dimples popping in both cheeks.

Well. “Not like you think,” Jensen said.

Jared still practically bounced over to the couch and Jensen hurried to follow. Jared started tearing at the bow, but Jensen stilled his hand.

“Before you open this…”

Jared looked up at him with curious eyes. Everchanging blue, green, gray, and hazel, Jensen could drown himself in Jared’s eyes.

“I just… I know that you’re holding back. From us.”

Jared’s face fell.

“Jay, I love you. And I want to build a life with you.”

Jared’s shoulders slumped. “I… I want that too, Jensen, I do. I just… need more time.”

Jensen nodded. “I get that. But I couldn’t help but wonder. What it was. And, well, it wasn’t my proudest moment I have to admit, but when the fuse blew two weeks ago and I was in the basement to put it back in, well I noticed the door. And when you were asleep, I went back to check.”

Jared’s face went ashen. “You snooped around my house?”

Jensen flinched. “Like I said, not my proudest moment.”

“That door is locked,” Jared said, voice barely more than a whisper.

Jensen rubbed his jaw. “Yeah, well, I’m good with locks. And I needed to know.”

“So you what, you picked the lock?” Jared’s face was aghast, and he flinched back from Jensen.

“Look, I’m sorry, baby, I really am, but I needed to know. And honestly, I expected way worse.”

A fridge and freezer filled with animal hearts, bottles of herbs, and an old book tucked away in the corner, containing recipes to contain the beast within. Jared’s way of being human, of not killing. And denying himself in the process, just to protect all these unworthy people out there.

Jared threw the box on the table and stood. Jensen reached for his hand, stopped him and pulled him back on the couch. “Jared, listen.”

Jared’s eyes were very wide. So afraid. Fuck. This was not going as Jensen had planned.

“Jared, I love you,” Jensen said fervently.

“But.” Jared shook his head, licked his lips nervously. “I don’t understand.”

Jensen rubbed a hand through his hair. He’d never been great with words. Jared was the talker in their relationship.

“Just open the box.”

Slowly, like it was a live bomb, Jared took the box. His hands were shaking almost imperceptibly when he took off the bow and tore the wrapping paper away to reveal the small steel box.

“Open it.”

Eyes filled with dread, Jared opened the box. And stopped. Stared at the heart within.

“What… Jensen, what…?” Jared looked up at him, confused and still so scared.

No, no, no, this was all wrong, Jensen never wanted Jared afraid of him. The words just burst out of Jensen.

“Look, I figured out what you are okay, and I don’t care, I don’t—well actually, I do care because I finally know why you get sick and are tired so often. It’s because you need human hearts, but you only eat that animal shit because you don’t want to kill anyone, and that’s okay and I really admire that, Jay.” He took Jared’s hand again. “You’re such a good person and such a bright, gentle soul, but you’re also suffering, and I can help.” Imploringly, Jensen looked at Jared. “Please, let me help you.”

Jared stared at the heart. “Where did you get this?”

“He wasn’t a good guy,” Jensen said. “I know that would matter to you, so… not a good guy.”

Jared swallowed. He was still staring at the heart like he couldn’t look away. His nostrils flared and he was taking deep breaths. Carefully, he touched the heart. His finger came away slightly red. He stared at his finger, transfixed.

“Do it, baby,” Jensen said. “Eat.”

It was like a dam broke. Jared licked his finger, closed his eyes almost in ecstasy and then he reached into the box, took the heart out, and took a big bite. In a frenzy he continued to eat it, blood smearing around his mouth and Jensen had only seen him so beautifully alive, so greedy when they were in bed together.

Jensen ignored that he was getting hard because this was about Jared. But he watched and filed every one of Jared’s greedy, hungry movements away for later, the sounds he made, the way his eyes fluttered closed, how the color rose in his cheeks.

When Jared was done, it seemed to snap him out of his state, because he stared at Jensen in horror. Then he jumped up from the couch and bolted out of the room.

“Jared, wait!”

Jensen followed him, but Jared had locked himself into the bathroom and Jensen could hear the water running. Jensen started pacing the hallway. It took a long time for Jared to come out but when he did, all traces of blood were gone.

He couldn’t look Jensen in the eyes.

“Jared?”

“I never wanted you to see me like this.” Jared’s voice was hoarse. “I hate being like this.”

“But you enjoyed it. The heart, I mean.”

Jared looked up, and his expression was harsh. “But I’m not supposed to. I don’t... I don’t need human hearts, I can get by without them. And I’m not supposed to enjoy them anyway; it’s bad and evil and I don’t... I don’t want to hurt anyone.” His voice got quieter and quieter until it finally died away.

Whoever had told Jared to deny this part of himself had truly done a number on him. But no more.

Jensen took Jared’s hand, slowly pulled him against his body. “I know you don’t want to hurt anyone. But this is who you are.”

“A monster,” Jared said desperately.

“No.” Jensen fiercely shook his head. “No, Jay, you’re good, you’re sunshine and laughter, you’re kind and warm and gentle. You’re many things, but you’re no monster.” Jensen pressed a kiss to his mouth and then another one. “I mean, look at you, you’re making yourself suffer to protect a bunch of scumbags.” Jensen kissed him again, carefully held Jared’s face in his hands. “But you’re starving yourself.”

Jared looked so torn, in so much pain. “No, I’m fine. So I’m a little weaker, but I can’t… when I was younger, I had to, to grow up, but it draws attention. The wrong kind. And after they got my mom, my grandma, she taught me how to survive without killing.” Jared’s face was anguished. “And she was right, she was. Even if I kill bad people, I still kill. And I can get by without that.”

“Get by.” Jensen shook his head. “You can’t live like this, Jay, only getting by. Let me take this burden from you.”

Jared swallowed. “You... this was not the first time you’ve killed someone.”

Jensen took a deep breath. “No. But it was the first time I had a purpose.” Jensen gave Jared a small smile. “It’s like the universe brought me to you. We’re perfect for each other.”

Jared shook his head. “You... you kill people?” He said it like he still couldn’t believe it. “Just like that? Why? And, how long? And you broke into my basement!” He stepped back and even though it hurt, Jensen had to let him. He’d known this was the risk he took.

“I’ve always wanted to.” Jensen shrugged. “It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember. And at some point, I stopped denying myself. And it’s not like they don’t deserve it.”

The emotions crossed Jared’s face too quickly for him to catalog then. He caught disbelief and horror, and his stomach sank. Of course, Jared would be disgusted. God, Jensen had deluded himself into thinking Jared would be okay with this.

“If I—will you kill me too?” Jared asked.

“I would never.”

“But I know,” Jared said. “I could tell people.”

Jensen shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time I left town and started over.”

Never taking his eyes off Jensen, Jared took his phone out of his pocket.

Jensen went cold all over. Jared wasn’t going to accept him. He wasn’t going to love him anymore. Jensen swallowed, blinked against the sting in his eyes. Well. He had to live with that.

It wasn’t like Jensen didn’t pick up and move regularly, every time the police even squinted in his direction, he burned town. He’d have to close out his bank account, dump his phone. He had an emergency cash stash and emergency plates from two states over. He always set up a backup identity in case he needed to leave early.

But he’d never wanted to stay in one place so badly. Leaving Jared, the thought of it alone, it made the darkness rise in Jensen. He didn’t know if there was enough blood in the world to wash it away.

Jared dialed and raised the phone to his ear.

“Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?”

Jensen closed his eyes, felt the darkness descend onto him. Of course, Jared wouldn’t accept this. Jared was too good, too bright. Jensen had thought he could win Jared’s heart by gifting him all the hearts in the world, but of course, that was stupid, so stupid. There was no love for Jensen, not for who he truly was.

Jensen turned around and walked towards the door. His feet were heavy and his heart was cold. He’d never loved anyone like he loved Jared.

“Sorry, butt dial,” Jared said behind him. “Stupid phone. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Jensen stopped. His heart started beating in overdrive. Slowly, he turned around.

Jared was looking at him helplessly, eyes wide and disbelieving. “You’re just letting me call the police?”

“I love you. I could never hurt you.” Jensen shrugged. “There’s always been this dark part inside of me, but that’s just one part of me.” Jensen hesitated, but Jared’s eyes were almost pleading. Like he was willing Jensen to be good. “With you, it could finally be for some good.”

Jared let out a disbelieving laugh. “So what, you’re the monster?”

“ _Your_ monster. Let me be your monster.”

“I can’t.” Jared swallowed. “I can’t do this. I fought my whole life against this.”

“And you never should have had to do that,” Jensen insisted. “And now, you don’t have to anymore. Because I’ll do it for you.”

Jared was shaking his head again, but his eyes were still fixed on Jensen, so Jensen took the few steps separating them and kissed him again. And Jared kissed him back. Desperately. He tasted like mouthwash. Jensen was disappointed he couldn’t taste the iron on his tongue. Maybe next time.

When Jared drew back, Jensen let him.

But Jared just leaned against him, hooked his chin over Jensen’s shoulder. “I always knew there was something off about you. But I didn’t care.”

Jensen’s heart wanted to beat out of his chest. “Do you care now?”

“I know I should,” Jared said slowly. “But I love you. And for once in my life, I want to be selfish.”

Jensen kissed him, again and again, pressed Jared against the wall to get some leverage, some friction on his aching dick. Jared moaned and held on tight, opened his mouth to Jensen’s.

“You deserve everything,” Jensen said as he started walking Jared back towards his bedroom.

And afterward, he’d clean out Jared’s downstairs fridge, filled with all those puny animal hearts. Jared deserved only the best, and Jensen would make sure that he’d never be wanting again.


End file.
